ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
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My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.