I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
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I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper