What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
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I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.