Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
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If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
That de-escalated quickly
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
*seductively corrects your posture*
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?