nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
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Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
Heroic Misunderstanding
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.