Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
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In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot