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Just so funny
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
Dietest Coke
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY