Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
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Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
I self medicate, therefore you live.
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.