Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
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Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Me, in DM rooms…
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
One venti cheeseburger please.
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.