Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
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Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
Search History:
Cat armor
Buy armor for cats
Cat jousting tournaments
How to stop armored cats
Cat army how to stop
national guard phone #
My roommate is looking for a summer subletter and a dad responded on his nineteen year old son’s behalf.
He described his son as “very mature”.
Sir, if you are figuring out your adult son’s roommate situation for him, he is not “very mature”.
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty