I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
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For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
🤣
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts