Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
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Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
live long and prosper!
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.