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I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*