I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
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Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
and now we wait
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
so i’m at the stock market right
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’