driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
You Might Also Like
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.