“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
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It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
My ideal weight is five million dollars
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying