It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
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One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
You can’t outrun your problems…
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
Just a phase…
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad