The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
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Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.