Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
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3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
Friend: How was your job interview?
Me: I think I hugged him too long.
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane