Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
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Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
Trains are just sideway elevators.
Finally, an explanation.
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe