Animal poetry
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Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
I see stand-up comedy as a stepping stone to television. A few more paid gigs and I’ll be able to afford a television.
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
favorite tropes as memes
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.