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HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take