Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
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God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
I self medicate, therefore you live.
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR