[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
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My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her