my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
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Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
That lamp looks PISSED.
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist