[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
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Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
(True)
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.