I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
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dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
sistine chapel
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.