FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
You Might Also Like
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.