can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
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me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom