When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
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date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
*checks Timeline*…
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?