Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
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Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
welcome back
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.