it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
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Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
*jingles half the way*
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.