*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
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Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
Florida man
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist