[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
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“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
My first child will be named New Folder.
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
them: our youngest is 73 months.
me: what’s that in human people years
My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card