Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
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pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
16- *getting ready for work* I have a job now so I’m basically an independent adult
Me- Your pants are inside out
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.