Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
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“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
idk flipping houses looks really hard
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
What a year we’ve had this week.
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.