#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
You Might Also Like
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ