If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
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so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad