My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
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Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busyFriend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
before you call me an idiot consider this: i know
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itselfCons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks