me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
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A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.