I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
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If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me