13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
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I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped