narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
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No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
I put the p in pants.
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
Tier 3 meme
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.