There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
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fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
bad news gang
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
How do horror writers compete with current events?
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.