If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
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Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
What a kind woman! 😂😂
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
(driving in a bad neighborhood)
me: *slowly locks my door*
murderer in backseat: *slowly locks their door*
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…