White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
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Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.