Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
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I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
catch me on valentine’s day like
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.