parents: you are what you eat
kids:
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Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
When your parents check you’re ok.
inside you are two wolves
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect