At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
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I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.