Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
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I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
“I wouldn’t.”
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.